The statistics about young people’s participation in the American church look bleak. When we look at Christian young people under 30 especially, they are far more likely to leave the church than they are to stay. Springtide Research Institute reports that nearly 40 percent of young people ages 13–25 “indicate that they are unaffiliated, whether agnostic, atheist, or ‘nothing in particular.’” As both a parent and former parish youth minister, these numbers are anxiety inducing for me.
However, while statistics show that trust in the institutional church is low, this generation is highly receptive to relational authority, that is, the expertise and input of caring adults who have earned young people’s trust through consistent care and presence in their lives. That’s great news for parents, who have a privileged place in our kids’ lives to earn and exercise relational authority. We can help faith matter more to our children if we focus less on whether they “stay Catholic” and more on the God-given privilege of accompanying them in their own growth into adulthood.
One of the most important components of building relational authority is conversation. For many parents, though, communication in the tween and teenage years can feel more difficult. The nature of our relationship with our children is changing as they become more independent and socially engaged. The topics become more complex and uncomfortable to address. We don’t feel like experts in theology or doctrine. We may not even know how to start a conversation! However, we don’t have to start at zero when it comes to talking with teens about faith. There are research proven approaches everyone can use to get young people talking about faith. Let’s look at a few which any parent can practice in their home.
Ask for their opinions.
One easy thing we can do is to ask our kids’ opinions. When driving home from Sunday Mass, ask what they thought about the homily. Or when watching a movie together, ask them what they thought about a character’s actions and motivations. Listen attentively to what they are saying and ask follow up questions like “Why do you think that way?” or “How do you think God would want someone to act in that same situation?” And wait to express your own opinion until invited. Remember that they are the focus of the conversation, and we are trying to give them the space to express their inner self while connecting life to faith.
Pick a surprising question.
Many of us know that asking our kids a question like “How was your day?” leads to a one-word answer. Switch to a question like “If you could make one book into a movie what would it be and why?” or “Do you think there will be snow in heaven? Why or why not?” Shifting to an unexpected question engages the brain more fully in the question and helps us learn more effectively. It’s a way we can help young people’s brains deepen the association between everyday life and faith. Make sure to share your own thoughts, too, as it’s just as important for them to have healthy examples of faith lived by adults.
Be curious together.
Adolescence is a time of questioning and redefining one’s identity and beliefs. Every young person will have questions about faith and their place in the world. They will also have many moments of doubt and wrestling with the meaning of faith in their lives. Research shows us that there is a direct correlation between the adults who practice their faith and their ability to express doubt and curiosity about faith in their teenage years. As parents, when young people bring their questions and doubts about faith, we can say “Let’s look for the answer together,” and show them reliable sources like scripture and the catechism to look further. By affirming their curiosity and encouraging them to look deeper, we create an opportunity to talk about their question and model how adults engage with questions of faith in healthy, meaningful ways.
Model vulnerability.
Faith is deeply personal, and teenagers are not always comfortable sharing, even with people they love most. As parents, we can help them become more comfortable by modeling openness and vulnerability about our relationship with God and how it impacts our lives. With appropriate boundaries, talk about your own highlights and struggles with faith, especially in the teenage years. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you find the right moments to share. By sharing our own stories, we give our children language to be able to talk about their own journey, too.
Center Jesus.
In spite of their skepticism about and lack of participation in the church, young people are intrigued by Jesus. A recent study by the Barna Group showed that 77 percent of U.S. teens are interested in learning more about Jesus and his teaching. In addition to this data, as Christians we know that faith, as Pope Benedict XVI wrote in Deus Caritas Est (God is Love), “is not the result of an ethical choice or a lofty idea, but the encounter with an event, a person, which gives life a new horizon and a decisive direction.” Jesus is compelling and can transform our lives.
So whenever we can, as parents, we should center Jesus. When talking with teens about faith, when having conversations about values, identity, politics, and morality, when discussing their future plans and purpose, or when we discipline—whenever we talk with our kids about what is most important in life—we need to go back to Jesus. He is the source and summit of our faith and, ultimately, the only one who can make faith matter more to our kids.
There is no guarantee that our children will practice their faith as adults. Ultimately, that will be their choice. However, we can normalize talking about their beliefs. And we can create safe spaces where our kids can discover who God is and how much God loves them. By loving, listening, and sharing, we act as Jesus acted, and provide an opening for the Holy Spirit to be present in their lives.
Image: Pexels/Any Lane
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