If you’re anything like me, your time spent in the confessional often features more than a little sinful déjà vu. No matter how frequently or infrequently I find myself making use of the sacrament, many sins for which I’m seeking absolution are repeat offenders that I’ve struggled with for decades.
I’ve been a parent for more than five years now and recently engaged in a parental examination of conscience. I found that the times when I’m a less-than-exemplary father seem to occur when I fall into repetitive bad habits.
Are you guilty of any of these seven “daddly” sins?
Anger
Stand-up comedian Jim Gaffigan has a line in one of his routines that my wife will often jokingly quote at me: “Why is Dad always in a bad mood?” In Gaffigan’s routine, he recalls the line as something that he often thought about his father when they were on family vacations. My wife’s use of the question is a gentle reminder that I have lost my patience and am unnecessarily reacting out of anger.
There is nothing wrong with getting mad—it’s a natural emotion that rises to the top frequently when you have four kids under the age of 6. Deciding how to process that anger is where the rubber hits the road. Do you take it out on your kids or your spouse? Do you hold it inside and spend the rest of the day brooding to yourself?
To combat my anger from settling in for the long haul, I think often about a new mantra from a parenting friend: When you’re dealing with the (mis)adventures of your children, did you have a bad day or did you have a bad five minutes? Try to let it go and find your smile again.
Distraction
This is a particularly pernicious and prevalent entry on the list, as it can creep into your daily life and become a habit in an imperceptible way that leads you to believe it isn’t really a problem. As a working dad who has limited time to spend with my kids in the first place, it’s embarrassing for me to admit that I spend any of that time giving my attention to the sundry distractions on my phone instead of fully engaging in the epic Barbie/Avengers crossover event being orchestrated by my children.
One way for me to maintain my attention is to set a timer for our playtime so that it doesn’t become an endless slog. Another is to take my phone out of my pocket so as not to lead myself into temptation. Shorter, more focused, and distraction-free activities have made our time together more memorable and more fun for everyone involved.
Workaholism
Working from home more frequently during the pandemic and beyond has been a double-edged sword. It has meant a lot more quality time with my children but also a growing inability to strictly leave work at work. Being at a point in my career where I’m attempting to grow professionally and take on more responsibility has become an equal and opposite force that pushes against being an involved father.
It’s the eternal balancing act in the quest to have it all: I want to be fulfilled in my work, to make a solid living to provide for my growing family, and to be the kind of parent who coaches my kids’ T-ball teams or at least shows up to all their games. My oldest children are just beginning to enter the realm of school-related and extracurricular activities, and I know that I have many important decisions ahead as we establish the culture of our family and what is important. I pray that I can prioritize my family while also honoring my commitments to my job and excelling in my work.
Inadequacy
It’s easy to look at other people’s lives—easier than ever thanks to social media—and suddenly find yourself questioning everything about your choices as a father, husband, professional, or person.
Comparisons are almost never fair, as you’re only seeing the photographs and stories people choose to share about their lives. Sometimes I struggle to write about parenting, as I wonder if I’m really able to present the “warts and all” of my parental experience or if these missives just come across as pontifications. (Maybe that’s why I was compelled to write one about my own parental “sins.”) The point is that you are most likely doing the best you can. Comparing that to someone else’s “best they can” ignores a host of unseen variables, which can make you feel inadequate and suddenly incapable of doing your best. Stop following other people and just keep leading your own life.
Hypocrisy
Given the young ages of my children, this one hasn’t become much of an issue yet. But I’m growing more aware of it as my precocious 5-year-old notices discrepancies between what I say and what I do. Do you tell your kids to clean up after themselves? To not say bad words? To eat healthy foods? To not fight with one another? Do you hold yourself to the same high standards to which you hold your children?
Rarely is my “dad pride” shining brighter than when my 3-year-old kneels down next to me during Mass. It shines a little less brightly when that same 3-year-old pushes my phone down from in front of my face because I have mindlessly ignored him for several minutes. Research shows that a parent’s example can be singularly powerful in setting children up for success on a variety of fronts. Make it count.
Contempt for your spouse
“The best thing you can do for your children is to love their mother.” This is the best parenting advice you’ll ever find, even if it’s not always the easiest to follow. Contempt is a silent-but-deadly marriage killer that claims far too many couples. The antidote—open communication, self-sacrificial love, and a constant willing of good for the other—is far from easy, but even just attempting these things will go a long way toward keeping you and your spouse together.
Neglect of your prayer life
It’s easy to remember to pray in moments of intensity—illness, death, joy, unexpected blessings. It’s harder to remember to pray through moments of daily drudgery.
While baptizing our youngest son, a priest friend reminded me that, as his parent, I help lead my family’s domestic church. In this role, parents can and should bless their families. Now I make the sign of the cross on my children’s foreheads each night as I tuck them into bed.
I also try to remember to pray for them regularly, as well as for the grace and wisdom to conquer these sins and become the parent I’m striving to be—an earthly reminder to my children of God’s unquenchable love for them.
This article also appears in the April 2022 issue of U.S. Catholic (Vol. 87, No. 4, pages 43-44). Click here to subscribe to the magazine.
Image: Unsplash/Arifur Rahman
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