The cliché of the young man in his mother’s basement spending hours playing video games has taken hold of our imagination, but sadly this cliché has real-world truth and implications. Many young men are dropping out of society—not because there are no paths forward, but because those paths look different than they once did, making them harder to recognize. In their search for guidance, these young men turn to extremist figures who promise to teach them how to be.
It’s easy to dismiss the idea that young men are failing to become productive members of society as exaggeration, but the statistics tell us otherwise: Boys are falling behind in school. Men are struggling in the workforce. Among men, suicide rates are rising, along with other preventable deaths, as many men avoid going to the doctor or taking prescribed medication. The number of men who say they have no close friends continues to grow.
And it’s not just numbers—we can feel it all around us. The despair of men and boys, the rise of extremist visions of masculinity, and the increasing number of young people floundering as they try to navigate a rapidly changing world all point to a deepening crisis.
Over the last several decades, women have made remarkable progress—though there is still more to be done. As they have advanced, men and boys have not just stalled out; in some cases, they have fallen even farther behind. Some argue that men’s struggles stem from women’s progress and suggest we should “go back to how it was.” But instead of treating this as a zero-sum game, we should examine both the systemic and personal reasons why boys and men aren’t making progress at the same rate. Too often, we pit groups against each other. We live in a hierarchical and patriarchal system while proclaiming a desire for equality—but true equality means ensuring that everyone has the tools and support they need to thrive.
The progress of women and girls has been, in many ways, remarkable. It was achieved not only by changing the messages they received but also by investing in systems to support them. We shifted how we spoke to women and girls, telling them, “You can do anything.” The narrative expanded from focusing on marriage and family to telling girls, “You can have a fulfilling career and a family.” We emphasized, “There’s a place for you in STEM fields.”
These messages encouraged girls and women to explore, dream bigger, and pursue new opportunities. But it didn’t stop there. We also invested in systems to back up those messages—funding STEM programs (and promoting them), creating leadership development initiatives, and expanding workplace mentorship for women. This combination of cultural messaging and systemic change made a real difference.
So why, when boys and men held places of power in the past, have they begun to fall behind? And even more importantly: What can we do about it?
Let’s start with the messaging men and boys receive about their place in the church and the world. While the messages given to girls and women have evolved, we haven’t changed how we talk to men and boys. They are still told they are measured by the jobs they hold and how they financially support their families. Boys hear that they need to grow up and get a good job. Many are still told to “man up,” “be strong,” or even that “boys don’t cry.” Men are expected to be the rock of their families, the leaders in their households and communities, the providers, and the protectors.
In the absence of new messaging, boys and men have turned to those who seem to understand their struggles, searching for a new way forward. Divisive figures such as Jordan Peterson, Owen Strachan, and Andrew Tate have stepped in, telling men, “We see you. We know you’re hurting. Here’s what you can do to stop hurting.”
Unfortunately, their messaging echoes the same themes from the past: “Be stronger. Be at the top. Be in control.” In their view, the right place for men and boys is at the top—equity is neither possible nor desirable. Men should lead. Men should be in charge. Men should be strong.
Young men are drawn to these messages. They offer a promise: follow the right steps (a la Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life), and you’ll feel better—you’ll reclaim your rightful place at the top. Too often, the church has reinforced similar ideas, platforming outdated notions of masculinity that impact not just men but people of all genders.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. The church could help shape new models of masculinity and offer tangible paths forward.
First, the church could begin to offer a new message to men. The church could start telling boys and men that they, too, can do anything. They can be teachers and nurses. They can be home health aides and stay-at-home dads. They can be gentle and cry. They can parent well and participate fully in their households. They don’t have to be the sole providers or the only strong ones in their households.
Richard Reeves, the author of Of Boys and Men (Brookings Institution Press), says we need to encourage men to take jobs in HEAL professions (Health, Education, Administration, and Literacy) much the same way we encourage women to go into STEM. He says, “Getting men into HEAL would be good for them (because there are many jobs there), good for the professions (because they face labor shortages), and good for the boys and men using those services (because they often prefer a male provider). It would be a win-win-win.”
Along with changing its messaging, the church can provide men and boys with opportunities to learn and practice new ways of being. It can create spaces where men connect more deeply, discussing what it means to be healthy men, good fathers, and engaged partners. The church can teach young men practical household skills and encourage them to take a more active role at home.
Additionally, the church could offer tutoring programs to help boys catch up in school while providing mentorship in the process. These initiatives wouldn’t just teach valuable skills—they would also foster community, helping to address the “friendship recession” that affects men so deeply.
More than anything, though, the church can help men to release themselves from outdated and harmful notions of masculinity, encouraging them instead to seek true flourishing and build genuine, equal relationships with people of all genders. This will take new understandings of what masculinity means and how we might start to teach it in new ways. It will mean examining the outdated (and harmful) notions we’re still carrying around with us, even as they no longer serve us. We can do it if we’re willing to put in the work. And we must do it if we want to get our men and boys out of the crisis they are facing.
In the church, we need men who strive to live out the values of Jesus—compassion for the marginalized, a commitment to social justice, and devotion to God rather than empire. Being a godly man isn’t about power or domination; it’s about following in the footsteps of Jesus, the servant who stood with the oppressed. It means showing up for your family with openness and vulnerability, contributing fully to your household, and treating others with respect. If more churches encouraged men to live this way, it wouldn’t just benefit men—it would benefit everyone.
Image Unsplash/Simone Pellegrini
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