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Q: My brother has decided to leave the church. How can I help bring him back?
—Saving Souls?
A: This is a very difficult thing to hear, especially when you love the church. For many of us, we have truly found a deep and meaningful relationship with God in the context of the church. The church can be a wonderful guide and source of community. It can shape important facets of our identity and help us contribute to Jesus’ mission as set out in the scriptures. For many the church can be a very life-giving place.
Sadly, for some it is not. However, that in no way means that they do not have a relationship with God. Nor does it mean that they might not find a faith community to belong to. What it means in relation to your brother is that life is a journey. We’d all like to believe that we make decisions, and those things are set and secure. But life leads us along unexpected paths. Sometimes a tragedy or loss throws everything we believed up in the air. Sometimes, as life progresses, we feel a growing tension or incongruity between what we say we believe and who we have become. In a positive sense this means we are not living superficially. It can mean that we are not content to simply go through the motions, but instead are asking deeper questions.
So, the question then is: What church is your brother leaving? Is he leaving a church that he knows only through childhood religious education programs that no longer speaks to his adult experiences? Is he leaving a church that he was forced to attend but never embraced as his own? Is he leaving a church he has mostly had ambivalent or negative experiences of? If the answer is yes to any of these, then the church he is “leaving” isn’t the healthy, vibrant, life-giving community of faith it is for many of us who love it. And, importantly, his journey with God may grow by getting away from these superficial, partial, and perhaps negative experiences. But here’s the good news: God never abandons anyone, and God will continue to guide your brother along the path.
But God works through people.
So, in this part of the journey it might be better to think of yourself as someone who is accompanying your brother. It is also best not to assume you know where the end of the journey is. Instead, honestly live your faith and values and invest in your relationship with him. This is an opportunity to get to know your brother on a deeper level. You don’t have to have the answers to his religious questions. In fact, acknowledging that you don’t have the answers or that you struggle with aspects of church life while continuing your life in the church may be helpful for him to hear.
Not too long ago I saw a sign that said “Be the church.” And while I’m not fond of church slogans this sign does highlight something important. The church isn’t a thing. The church is manifested in our lives, how we live, what we say, and the relationships we make. By walking through life with your brother you will “be church” for him with your life, witness, and companionship. God’s grace will be there to help both of you throughout the journey.
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