Readings (Year A):
1 Kings 19:9a, 11–13a
Psalm 85:9, 10, 11–12, 13–14
Romans 9:1–5
Matthew 14:22–33
Reflection: Why did you doubt?
The truth of the matter is that, as a theologian, one who is inspired by the prose and thought of Paul Tillich and Father Juan Luis Segundo, I must confess that I don’t quite think of doubt as inimical to faith, as others have described it. Instead, from my vantage, I see doubt as integral to faith—as a source that coexists alongside faith to keep it from becoming disconnected from its true nemesis, which is certainty.
In today’s text Peter was especially certain of himself and of how things would go if Jesus bid him to come to the water. But before that moment, let’s nail down some of the context: Jesus and the disciples had fed countless people through miraculous means. Everyone was exhausted. Everybody needed a minute. Some of them needed the quiet isolation of time to rest—especially Jesus.
Was he supposed to be on the boat? Did they board without him? Were they aware that he was’’t on it? The text doesn’t say. But it does say that, late into the night, when the night was beginning to bleed into the morning, their boat found itself hammered left and right by boisterous winds. And at some point, Jesus, who was or wasn’t supposed to be on the boat, was confused for a ghost until he reassured them of his identity.
“It’s me,” he said. “Don’t be afraid,” he declared.
And maybe that’s when Peter became a bit certain of how this was going to go. Maybe Peter saw an opportunity to show off.
Maybe Peter was like us—quick to want to display what we feel is our special relationship with Christ compared to the others we are with. Perhaps overly invested in being seen as the Lord’s favorite in a moment of complication. Maybe Peter felt entitled to the miraculous in the same way we sometimes feel.
There’s nothing like being blessed in front of everyone, right? I don’t know.
But what we are told is that it got really windy, and Peter became increasingly insecure. He wasn’t so sure anymore about the safety of his request. So, he cried out, and just when he thought it was over, his palms felt the strong tug of Jesus’ wrists as the man from Galilee lifted him up and said: O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
Why did you doubt? It’s an interesting question. Perhaps an indisputably misunderstood question.
But let me ask you: When did Peter start doubting? What if his lack of faith was more connected to distrusting the boat he was in than it was about getting out of it? And what if the question, why did you doubt? is posed without judgment or disappointment but asked in good faith by someone who wants us to interrogate when it is we begin to feel various disruptive inner sensations.
What if Jesus is holding Peter up because he wants him to interrogate himself? Why did you doubt? Tell me. And most importantly tell yourself.
Were you scared? Did you desperately need some one-on-one time? Were you frightened and needed a second to breathe? Why did you doubt?
Maybe the issue isn’t the doubt, but the lack of awareness of the other feelings that exist alongside it. Were you lost? Despondent? Depressed? Frightened? Anxious? What else is in your faith that drags you down? That weighs on you? That pulls you into the water? What else exists in you that is unhelpful for you? What are you so unnecessarily certain of that all it takes is a little push to knock you off your spiritual equilibrium? And maybe the answer to those things, to those questions, are areas Jesus wants us to tackle and not the simple and all too human feeling of doubt itself?
Friends: It’s windy, and some days, some nights, some mornings are windier than others. And while we bid Jesus come to us, let us be open to him bidding us to come to ourselves as well. And then maybe all of us, human and wind, human and nature, can have a little more peace.
