It’s jarring to read lines in the gospel where Jesus tells his disciples they might have to hate their families to follow him (Luke 14:26). This is one of those cases where some readers may be tempted to engage in proof-texting: using a biblical text to defend a position, without considering the context. How do we balance such radical commands of discipleship with other biblical commands to honor your father and mother? Are we really supposed to forsake our families for Jesus?
There is no black-and-white answer here. The Ten Commandments exhort us not to forsake our parents in their time of need. At the same time, Jesus is clearly asking us to become disciples, which we know often means something more radical than mere belief, since on several occasions Jesus anticipates people leaving their homes and family to follow him.
One way to think about this is that discipleship does not mean forsaking responsibilities. It can, however, mean prioritizing responsibilities. Even though the kingdom of God comes before family, this does not mean that followers of Jesus are absolved from family responsibilities or should always cut ties with family members.
Perhaps Jesus offers us the best answer to this question through how he lived his life. He clearly had responsibilities to his mission that involved traveling around Galilee, but we can infer that he wasn’t shirking family responsibilities: By the end of Jesus’ ministry, we do not see the same conflict with his family that we see in passages about the early days of his ministry. In John 19:26–27, Jesus is concerned for his mother and about finding someone to care for her and take her into his home. He is maintaining his responsibilities to his family while still prioritizing the will of God and his mission on Earth—which ultimately took him away from his mother.
As we try to apply these teachings to our lives today, we can clearly see cases where prioritizing discipleship might cause some rifts. If a family has enabled abuse, gotten rich via unethical business practices, or spread ideologies of hate, following Jesus might require a person to take a distance from them.
Recent reports have indicated that about 25 percent of American families suffer from estrangement. That’s about twice as many as in Europe. The most cited reasons for estrangement are harsh parenting and poor parenting associated with favoritism. While there are legitimate reasons for people to cut ties with family, including neglect and abuse, the kingdom of God invites us to compassion and pro-social behavior, which may require working to mend rifts in family life. The path of discipleship, even if it leads away from family, also means cooperating with others and helping them in times of need—especially if there is an existing obligation.
This article also appears in the September 2024 issue of U.S. Catholic (Vol. 89, No. 9, page 49). Click here to subscribe to the magazine.
Image: Unsplash/Mantas Hesthaven
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